Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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