Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
