end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Randomize
