Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
