I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
