My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
