Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
