I faked an abortion last night.
well you can't waste a boner
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
