if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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