yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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