They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
