I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
