he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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