My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
