I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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