girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
