how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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