My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
