Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
