a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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