I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
