thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
