I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
