Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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