i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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