I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
