this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
