Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
