So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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