Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
