shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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