this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
