On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
