the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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