Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My ATM looks so different sober.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
