How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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