just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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