Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
