i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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