my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just had sex on a roof
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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