you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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