Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
