this just has baby written all over it
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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