I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
