I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
