how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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