Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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