It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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