this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
