My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
