It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
