I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
