just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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