you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
